Im at strip club and am horny
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
