I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
