He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We're too hungover to prance.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
