Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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