I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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