Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
