Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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