peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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