I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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