i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
