Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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