I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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