So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I didn't notice because vodka
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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