Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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