Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
