My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
