U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I intend to get homeless drunk
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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