My room smells like vodka and shame
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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