Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
