True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
