Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
