Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
