he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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