Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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