I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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