I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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