I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I intend to get homeless drunk
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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