he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
