i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it glows. i had to have it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize