you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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