apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
