oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
