I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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