My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
