I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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