I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
