i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I wish you could order shots online.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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