allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
