Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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