8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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