maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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