u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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