gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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