Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize