Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
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