Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
