yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
