Duck Duck Cougar?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
