My first STD was from a foam party
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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