Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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