Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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