I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
