I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
