Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
