you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
