I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
