My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
