:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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