I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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