I met the friendliest cop last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
