So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
