Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
