Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
