I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
