I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
