Pants 0. Shit 1.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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