Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
