why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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