She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My legs feel like baby dolphins
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
